What To Do When You've Been Cheated On. Out of the many perils that couples face over the course of their relationships, the specter of being cheated on is one of the most common – and most anxiety- producing. The second worst anxiety is “Is my wife secretly a lizard person?”Infidelity within a relationship is one of the few sins that almost everybody agrees as being always wrong – upwards of 8. And yet cheating and being cheated on happens far more frequently than one might expect.

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Exact numbers are hard to gather – as you might imagine, cheaters are unlikely to self- report, especially if friends or family members are around – but the estimated numbers range from 3. But while being cheated on may be seen as a universal negative, the question of what to do when your partner’s been unfaithful is a tough one. It’s very easy to decide what to do in the abstract – drop them like a bad habit, destroy their shit, stand by your man, forgive and forget, etc – and to armchair quarterback other people’s marriages (see Clinton, Hillary).

But when it’s your relationship… suddenly what seems clear- cut and simple is actually a lot more complicated. So what’s the right choice when it comes to dealing with being cheated on?

Being cheated on is a painful betrayal. But what do you do in the aftermath? Is it possible to fix the relationship afterwards, and should you even try? The Marie Claire guide to your sex life, your love life, relationships and everything in between. E! Online - Your source for entertainment news, celebrities, celeb news, and celebrity gossip. Check out the hottest fashion, photos, movies and TV shows!

What is the best way to heal afterwards? If your partner cheats on you, is it better to adopt a zero- tolerance policy or to put it all behind you? You Don’t Want The Gory Details. The first and most important thing about handling the aftermath of being cheated on is self care. Discovering that your partner was cheating on you is incredibly painful. We frequently define ourselves by our relationships and make our partners the center of our world; they become our best friends, our primary source of emotional support and intimacy. It becomes a part of who we are – we are not just ourselves but part of a gestalt entity like the world’s squishiest Transformers.

And suddenly, playing with your Constructacons got very uncomfortable…When we find out that we’ve been cheated on, there’s a sense of betrayal – not just in the relationship, but in your sense of self. Suddenly this core part of of who we are has been called into question. In fact, one of the most common things people who discover their partner’s infidelity say is “I thought I knew you.” The unspoken part of that sentence is that in not knowing their partner, they also no longer know who or what their relationship is and – by extension – who they are now. It throws everything into question and damages your soul and self- esteem. You want to surround yourself with people who care for you and support you – people who can help ease the pain and salve your wounds.

What you don’t want to do is make things worse by asking for the details. That desire to know more is completely natural; it’s part of the urge to understand, as though knowing more might make the act more comprehensible. Watch The Last Station Online. It won’t. Knowing who it was, when it started, what they did and where, why that person… there is almost no answer that your partner can give you that won’t gouge out parts of your soul.

Everyone who’s discovered their partner’s indiscretions almost always says the same thing: “I wish I’d never found out.” Processing the fact that your partner has been banging someone else is painful enough. All asking for the details will do is give you things to torture yourself with and images that will never leave your head. Ignorance isn’t exactly bliss in this case but it’s a hell of a lot less painful.

If you want to understand, then you don’t want the “whats” or “hows”, you want the “whys” – the motivation behind the affair. Why? Well that’s because…Most Affairs Aren’t About Sex. Despite the seeming obviousness of it, most infidelities aren’t about sex. Cheat- proofing your relationship isn’t as simple as constantly upping the crazy sex you’re into or fucking your partner into a coma; in fact, this belief tends to end up assigning part of the blame to the other partner who’s been cheated on. Similarly, being cheated on isn’t a sign that there’s something wrong with your relationship. There are many, many people out there who consider themselves monogamous and in happy relationships that end up crossing a line they never imagined that they’d encounter in the first place.“Um… would you believe I have no idea how this happened?”For some, it’s a desire for novelty or to recapture the spark and excitement that defines a new relationship.

Some people strike up affairs because they want to feel desirable, to know that others want them. For others it’s about the rush of doing something forbidden, the thrill of risk and being caught. For still others, it’s about boredom and wanting to shake things up – even if it ends up hurting themselves and others. Some have affairs because they’re rebelling against a belief about themselves or the values they grew up with, while others may be reacting to the pain of previous relationships. Some are trying to recapture a lost sense of self while others are making up for opportunities they believe they’d missed.

Other times it’s a matter of one partner simply panicking and lashing out. For some people, cheating on their partners is a way of punishing them or getting revenge for some slight; even if the other partner never learns about the affair, that secret knowledge serves as a sort of reprisal, a trump card that can be dealt at any time. Then there are those who use affairs to get out of relationships that were otherwise dead or dying. Many people who’ve had affairs were actually slamming their hands on the relationship self- destruct button – as acts of self- sabotage, as weapons of last resort, or even just because they’re afraid and hitting the eject button rather than facing their fears. It’s important to remember this because…Not All Affairs Are Created Equal. One of the things that needs to be considered in the wake of discovering that you’ve been cheated on is the circumstances of the affair itself. It’s very easy to assume that being cheated on is a black- or- white issue – either your partner betrayed you or they didn’t. We have a mental image of what a cheater looks like and why they do what they do – they’re selfish, they’re predatory, they’re egotistical, they don’t “really” care about their partner, etc.

But while the cartoon villain in our heads is easy to rail against, in practice however, there tend to be levels of nuance that can take easy, obvious answers and make them incredibly complicated after all. For example, there’s a significant difference between someone who slipped up in a moment of weakness versus a serial cheater.

One of the things that we don’t like to talk about when it comes to relationships is that monogamy is very difficult, but culturally we’re expected to perform it perfectly. Being in a monogamous relationship means that you’ve chosen not to sleep with other people; it doesn’t mean that you don’t want to and that can be tricky to manage at times. The tale of someone slipping up after their inhibitions and judgement are lowered by a few drinks while out with friends is one of the most common stories out there. So, too, are moments of weakness during times of conflict in the relationship and office flirtations that crossed a line. Along with inappropriate use of the office copy machine.

These all tend to be affairs of circumstance – once in a lifetime events where everything aligned just so and led to an infidelity and are unlikely to ever be repeated. They also tend to be moments that the participants regret having happened at all. Contrast this with the serial adulterer who regularly cheats on his or her partner with no real regard for their feelings; the crimes are similar but the circumstances and motivations are entirely different. Yes, it’s easy to talk about willpower or morals or avoiding temptation in the first place, but humans are fallible. We all fall to temptation or impulse or poor judgement at one point or another; frequently, it’s how we learn.